TO TELL OR NOT TO TELL
People living with Asperger's syndrome or autism
often need to decide when or whether to tell other people about
their condition, disability, way of 'being', or whatever you feel
comfortable calling it. There are definite advantages to letting
someone know you are an 'aspie' or 'autie'. A person inclined to
compassion will then be a bit more accepting of our tendencies to
appear aloof, arrogant, unemotional, uncaring, obsessive, distant
or inappropriate at times.
Friendships require more openness to let them grow, and revealing
you are on the autism spectrum will eventually be normal as your
guard comes down. Of course, the problem is that the way we are
often means that the friendship might not develop that far, or even
get started! What a conundrum. Keep it quiet and just appear to
be weird, or tell them up front and remove all doubt if they are
narrow-minded bigots.
think twice before telling them
There are many misconceptions about Autism and
Asperger's syndrome in the community. Some may automatically link
it with an intellectual disability or mental illness, disabilities
that many people also have misconceptions about. Some auties and
aspies have found people who have reacted negatively, avoided them,
or been sympathetic rather than understanding.
Personally I just seem to muck it up every time,
and I'm not a good judge of character to boot! So my strategy is
to talk with a trusted friend or family member about the right time
to reveal things. Sometimes they have met the person and give me
tips on whether to say something or not.
The same goes for work. I've had a range of jobs
over the years and eventually figured that telling my boss was a
good move. And sometimes it was. He or she would be more understanding,
make some accommodations and I'd last a bit longer than I would
have otherwise. But there was one boss who wouldn't even listen
and made things so unpleasant for me that I had to leave. Since
then, I found out that I could have raised a legal fight that would
have had him dancing to a different tune, with the threat of a lawsuit
based on discrimination against people with a disability and not
carrying out workplace
accommodations!
coping with rejection
Feeling rejected is very normal, but how we respond
to this is important. Where possible, I try not to get pissed about
other people’s fear, misconceptions and lack of understanding. I
just focus on the things I like about myself and don't allow my
self-esteem to be based on the reactions of those around me. I have
to admit that if the tables were turned, there's no reason I wouldn't
act the same way. It's not as if I'm a saintly character who would
act differently to a socially awkward emotionally-distant person!
Learn from unpleasant experiences with others. I don't mind changing
parts of myself to some extent if I engage with the world a bit
better, so I rehash what happened with a non-aspie friend. She normally
figures out pretty quickly what I did or said (or more importantly
didn't do or say!) that drove the other person galloping for the
horizon.
Sometimes I wasn't listening, or was too opinionated,
or raved too long about my favorite obsession (clock collecting
if you must know) Dwelling on rejection, anger and sadness for too
long will only drags me down and makes life more difficult. How
we choose to respond will have a huge impact on how we feel in the
long run.
Click here for the full
range of Asperger's and autism fact sheets and personal stories
at www.autism-adults.org
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